Parents–Balance is in the Middle!

Not Too Little, Not Too Much; Balance Is in the Middle

Andre Berge in his book on “Bewildered Youth” gives us the story of a young man who had been left completely to himself by his parents. Taken up with their own affairs, business and pleasures, these parents let their son grow up with no concern for his soul, his ambitions, his difficulties, his temptations, his failings.

At first, the youth relished this liberty which he interpreted as detachment on the part of his parents. But soon he came to realize that it was nothing more than cowardice, abandonment of duty and flagrant desertion of parental obligation; he was living in the home but was not of the home—a mere boarder in a hotel.

As soon as he was out of his childhood, they showed no more care for him; he found himself confronting life alone, confused, cut off. He should have been able to expect counsel, affection, protection, light. Nothing of the sort did he receive. Instead he met with selfishness. Faced with loneliness, life began to close in on him. He had no one to untangle his problems, no one to point out definite steps to follow on the bewildering way.

Unable to bear living any longer this way, with no vital ties binding him to those who should have been nearest to him, he decided to break all connections, and to go away. Material separation from his own parents would but serve to accentuate the separation of their souls.

He left this note as an explanation of his conduct and a reproach for theirs:

To my parents,
Why do you desert me? You do not understand that I am stifled between these walls and that my heart is bursting. Do you not understand that I am growing up and that life is calling me, that I am alone all day with its voice? You who could have so lovingly directed me in life, why do you abandon me? Well, so much the worse, I will meet life alone. I am so far from you already through your fault.

How heavy the obligations of parents! Let us not consider now the case of grossly selfish parents as described in the preceding story. We shall consider parents who are concerned about accomplishing their mission.

These face two extremes in the fulfillment of their duty: either to exaggerate their control or to exaggerate their detachment.

If they try to exercise too much control over the young adventurers in freedom who are making ready for their first flights, will they not incur the blame of tyranny, excessive watchfulness and supervision? If, on the other hand, they try to avoid this reproach, are they not lacking firmness? By trying to win their child’s confidence by too permissive a gentleness, and by giving too much slack, will they not see all wholesome discipline broken down, and their good advice ignored?

Parents must ask themselves: How have I succeeded in this problem of training? Do I steer my bark with proper mastery? The reefs are many; a solid craft is needed, a steady hand at the helm. Am I acquainted with the route, the true merits of my crew?

Parents must pray:

My God, grant me the grace to know how to rear my little world as you want me to; to know how to form each of my children according to Your plans; to know how to attain balance in sharpness, firmness and restraint. Grant that the youth formed in my home may never be confused, lost before life, but rather know always where to find counsel, support, the warmth of love and guidance, and an understanding and patient heart that can give help and light with true insight. Amen.

Note: Adapted from Father Raoul Plus, S.J.’s Christ in the Home (Colorado Springs, CO: Gardner Brothers, 1951). This book is a treasure chest of advice for Catholics on the practical and spiritual concerns of raising a family.