Training the Adolescent

To train little ones is difficult enough. When these little ones grow up, the difficulty of raising them well grows with them.

There is a particular age, between thirteen and seventeen, when the rise of new energies generally produces a crisis. The child is no longer a child; neither is he a grown-up. He is in a period of transition which, as parents and educators, we must not fear but which we must consider sympathetically; it is a time when we should be ever ready to come to his or her help at opportune moments.

The teenage years are also a time when restraints weigh upon him or her. Until now the child did not distinguish his or her individual identity much from those about them. What others thought and felt they were satisfied to feel and think in perfect harmony. But now their personalities begin to emerge. Before, the personality was indistinct. Oh yes, at times, traits of these emerging personalities would shine out and predict the future character, but it was only a faint sketch. Now the design takes shape, form and definite lines.

It is thrilling to watch the dawn of manhood and womanhood in the young as they rise up to meet life. It is depressing to think of possible deformations! A design can so easily change into a caricature!

We are no longer dealing with a mere inanimate sketch on a page, but with an animated potentiality with an intense dynamism–a soul seeking itself. The adolescent is like a person lost in the night groping for the right road. We can speak to the teenager, guide him or her, but nothing takes the place of personal experience and it means much to be able to “let go” enough, to allow them sufficient liberty to try their luck.

Even in infancy, as soon as baby takes his first steps, he uses all his baby strength to pull away from his mother. The mother had until then held him in her arms. But one day she put him down so that he could learn to stand and to put one foot in front of the other. As soon as he learned this new game, the little one is ready for his first expedition. And what mother, even though she rejoices at the prowess of the young explorer, does not suffer when she realizes that her arms and her heart can no longer hold back this tiny conqueror already setting out to meet life?

As the boy or girl adolescent grows older, the span of their investigation widens. There is the immense field of their own individuality. How many realities, how many mysteries they encounter at every step! Fortunate are the youth who, avid until now to ask questions, remain willing to ask some still! Certainly they still want to learn; actually, even more than before, but now they want to learn on their own. Thus, they withdraw into themselves to solve their problems. No one knows this inner domain as they do; they are jealous of it; they close their arms around their riches; no one has the right to violate their treasure.

We should not be amazed at this but unobtrusively stimulate their search, and, without appearing to do so, provide them with the means to solve their problems. We should not pry into their confidence but rather cleverly inspire and provoke it. Let them realize that mother and father formerly also discovered this whole challenging world; that mother and father can therefore serve as prudent but well-informed advisers to the young novices of life.

Then there is the whole world outside of themselves, the frame of their lives, their surroundings, and other people—a whole universe. What does such a smile, such a look, such a silence or such an action mean? They thought everyone was goo—what a mistake! They thought that life was easily conquered, and now they see they must struggle hard. How much work to learn the least thing!

And then there is the whole domain of religion. Formerly it was so simple. Now there are problems on every side.

What about love? What is this whole transformation that they sense within themselves? What are those impulses and feelings? What are those sensations never before experienced, organic phenomena which nature and reason they can’t quite place?

As parents and educators, we need great sympathy before their laborious and often worry-filled seeking; also much vigilance mingled with a gentle firmness, high moral principles, and exceptional psychological insight almost bordering on prophetic discernment.

Above all, we need much prayer.

Note: Adapted from Father Raoul Plus, S.J.’s Christ in the Home (Colorado Springs, CO: Gardner Brothers, 1951). This book is a treasure chest of advice for Catholics on the practical and spiritual concerns of raising a family.